Boundaries…
Both horses and humans have the right to set boundaries. Here Andrea is offering a friendly, neutral contact to her horse, Savvy. Savvy can then decide whether she wants to connect, or not.
Photo: Ellie Smith
and what do they have to do with safety?
When we start shifting the way we engage with our horses in an attempt to form a true friendship with them, we might think "I'm just going to be nice to my horse, because I just want them to be happy." But then the horse does something that we feel is "disrespectful" i.e. trying to nip at us or being "pushy" and running into us, and suddenly we feel upset - "how could the horse do this to upset me when I've been nothing but nice to them?! When I've tried my hardest to do everything right, and I clearly only want the best for them?!"
What happened?
We became so fixated on our horse and their needs, that we lost touch of our own, resulting in our inability to set a healthy boundary in that moment. Horses are great teachers when it comes to boundaries, because they know what we have seemingly forgotten - that boundaries play an essential role in building relational safety.
Our lack of boundaries is confusing and threatening to them, because how can they trust and respect someone who can't take care of themselves, because they don't know what they need and where their limits are, nor how to clearly communicate them? We can't feel totally safe and secure in our relationships unless both parties are able to set boundaries, because in doing so we are signaling to each other I know and trust myself, I can take care of myself and my needs, and I am therefore dependable, authentic, and trustworthy.
So how do we start setting boundaries?
All of us have our own personal space, more or less about an arms length around our body, and this space is ours, and ours alone. Each of us gets to decide who and what gets to enter that space at any given time. It is our responsibility to take care of our space, and we have every right to protect ourselves, and our space, by clearly stating a boundary when someone or something tries to enter our space that does not honor us in that moment.
Take a moment to reflect on who/what you allow into your personal space. How do you feel when you allow this?
Then think about who/what you might not want to allow into your space. How would you know that you need to communicate a boundary towards someone/something?
When we take the time to consistently sit with these questions, and then share our answers with those we are in relationship with, we not only get to know ourselves better and deepen our trust in ourselves that we will be able to take care of our own needs, but we also give the ones we care most about the chance to know us on a deeper level, and treat us in a way that honors us, and the relationship we want to build together - based on honesty, authenticity, congruence, and care.
Carla & Frankie, 2019: Boundaried relationships get to experience greater freedom of expression, because they are built on open and authentic communication, which creates relational safety.